Saliva On Buns: March 2008

It's a special day today!!!!!

it's baskin robbin's 31% on the 31st of the MONTH!!!!

You know what am I craving for at this moment!??It's MEE REBUS(fried wheat base mee with potatoes, beancurd and egg with a slightly spicy, thick gravy *yums*)!!! Well, basically a Malaysian concoction of spaghetti with spicy, potato sauce. Aiyah....no picture available so I'll post it up some other time when I finally have the chance to get it. Been craving for it since Saturday tsktsk.....I had squash practice from 9am till 1pm then had to wait for cheeky, pumpkin plus must shower so didn't manage to get it. Then, Sunday after lunch wanted to go buy after sending my sister to tuition but HE got a shocked that I still have appetite to eat after I gobbled down such a humongous bowl of wantan noodles. Sighs......this Thursday must MUST MUST go get it!!! heeeeee......
Another craving is........MUTTON BRIYANI and SPINACH IN COTTAGE CHEESE at Bonani.....bring me go eat bay-bee.....

*stomach grumbles*

Ooooooohhhh......It's 31st today!!! Time to go get my Baskin Robbins already!!!!

PPS: Faster post up the pictures of me playing squash macam professional player *tee-hee* Missing you like heaps already....

People always say,there is a difference between love and care.Been Years and years together,sometimes you will never realise what is around you and what are the things you should and should not do.This post was written exactly 34 days ago while doing my major projects.As many of you will be reading this,so this is an aportunity for me to express my deepest feelings to myself,my family,friends and my love.This is not some letter begging for mercy or anything,but it's a confession i've made 34 days ago and with what i want to say today.All compiled,for all.

Us...us..lets see,we've been together like comin to 4 years.Lets talk about how we met.It was a highschool thing,everyone was assembled to write down your name to join The Leo Community,been a newbie and dumb with attitude,have to admit i've been a slacker all this while.ok before that,ere's about me before continuing the love story.

At Form 2 people would start to find girlfriends,i would sit down at one side and discover new evolution techniques for Digimons.Form 3 when people are already with their girlfriends already,i was one of the top people who can tell you exactly which Digimon are you going to get and i had like almost all versions of Digimon to Digivices together with another friend of mine Heng.We were like the guru's and we were like analysing all Digimons and all.virus types..bla..bla..bla.Guess that was why people said we were gay,we cycled together and thats not all and even fetch each other once a while like one of those Bollywood movies.Form 4?it gets even better,friends were already into one night stands and all,and i was going into phase 3,Digivice D1,D2,D3,D4,D5 to D-terminals.Then form 5?yeah,thats probably when i started to slow down abit and finally get in to reality a little bit,rephrase,a little bit.

Would you go out a date with this monkey?
(Think again)

Ok,thats the hobby part.As during those times i was a scout,a useless one who burns his own hands all the time when comes to making fire.There was once in form2,our school was like given a chance to merge with the convent girls and you know campfire that sort of thing.But as i was scanning thru those girls,the skinny ones were looking as light as plastic bags and the bigger ones were looking like hulk and fantastic four's The Thing.But i realised theres this one far away who was in her PJ attire.There it was.But,yea,Digimon was still the priority that time and i knew with my fat face,only a blind toad would want to be with me.

Yeah,and after years passed i was able to join Form 6,which until now i have no idea how the hell was i eligible to be selected.But yea cut story short i was in.And during that Leo thing,it was her again.With her blue/red bag,with a pony tail.She was looking at me,and coudn't stop smilling,her eyes was three times as big as my dog at home when it sees food.I freaked out,but she was gorgeous,yea,really gorgeous.OMG,then she started walking towards me,kept smillin of course.It was like a freakin dream come true to me.

Jenn : "hi,whats your name?"(with the 'hehe' non-stop)
Me : "erm,Martin."(Ere's your chance marn,keep it cool,i told myself.)
Jenn : "oh i see....hehe".
Me : "oh..yeah...so erm...whats your name then?"(yes yes....thats the way...oh.yes....)
Jenn : "Find out yourself".

Thats the first time i felt like peelin off my skin and run around my school with my underwear coverd on my face.Thats how we got to know each other,then the day come where i fetched her for the first time.Until now as i type i still felt like yesterday,and my heart still beats so hard the moment i visualise that scene when she entered the car.In shorts,casual with t-shirt,extremely stunning in my eyes.Ever since then we started hanging out more
often,many people objected when we got together.But yea,who cares.That was our moto.Then during class breaks she would bring me sandwiches and all,home made by her!

We had a lot to talk about,we were like best friends,more then friends and even lovers.We would just share anything we go thru everyday,from what happened at home to classes and yea,we even go for the same tuition class.Even though different class hours but i would sit at where she sat before.Feeling her presence.Time flies again and during this time,it happened.I didn't draw my line,created so much problems and conflicts and also mis-understandings,and end up me loosing myself and we were so shaky that time.Life was bad.Just one word bad,for that time.Then end up me hooking up with people to watch over my back in case if i need any help from the people from the darkside.It was,my fault.

Then i came over to Toa,everything new,new beginnings new this and that.Sadly,she was going UK already.And during those times,we only depended on phone.We could only hear each others voice.And took pictures of ourselves once a while,sending each other loves and kisses thru the phone line.Then when she got back,again another conflict happened,same one which caused a lot of mis-understandins.Again,it was,my fault.

But life was okie for the both of us,we were doing okie.Then it came to a point where we no more growing,instead.I got myself to this serious trouble.I became ignorant.I don't respect peoples feelings,i don't understand peoples feelings.And end up i was caught up in my own magical world of hallucination.I wanted to do that something but eventually i got swayed away.And i started doing things without considering twice what were the consequences.

Then the worst part of all,i became stress and pressured.It was my own stupidity which caused me that to happen.Then i picked up surfing,yea it was fun at first.Then slowly it faded off like the wind.No matter how many times i hit the pool,i don't feel a thing at all.I became numb.When my mom called i would yell at her for no reason.I would tell her off for no reason even though she was just being caring.My life was like a total mess that i can't even feel myself.Then the phase came,i got myself to another mess.And this time,it messed up my entire well being.And i messed up the most important in my life,my mom,and the one women and girl of my life,my love Jenn.

I said stuffs that i could never take back,i did things that i knew i was wrong.And i listened to people around me and not making my own decisions by thinkin with my own brains.Even though i was drug free,but it was like a drug already that time that i couldn't even sleep,and classes eveyday was like hell for me.I skipped classes like no ones business and did not submit so many works.Things were so messed up,i regretted all that i did so bad that i
attempted suicide again and again.But like they said,it's not your time then it's not.Thas y im still here typing.And during that time,i was taking sleepin pills like m&m's.

Then it came to the new sem,during that time.Ere's what happened.My mom found out everything,my family found out.And this is where it changed my life deeply.Mom,at the age of 62,after receiving such impact of what has happened to her son,did not say a word with anger at all.Instead,she made me sit down.And she was helping me to clean my MESS on my finances and assuming that i would not know.Jenn told her everything and she agreed to help me and with one condition not to tell me that she was helping me.But i knew she saw it comin that of course Jenn would tell me,when i approached her.I cried.She just said two words,"don't cry".Then she kept queit for a while.Then she looked at me again,ere's exactly what she said to me.Baby,i didn't even tell you this.Coz i want to do it here,at least is more detailed.Its not hiding,its keeping the best for the last:)

"Sometimes,there are things we often ask ourselves,why?why must this happend to me?Think again,why not you?And sometimes words are told,but actions are not carried out.im your mom,Dad is already gone,and the last thing i want to see is you falling off everything and giving up living.You are a man,you have to be one.What has happened i will not forgive you,coz there is no point in forgiving if you were to do it again.This will take sometime for you to regain all trust from me and furthermore,from jenn.We are here and we have agreed to help you and be beside you.And you have a family ere to back u up and watch you at the straight path rather than the crooked one.Jenn is a good girl,and she deserves more than what you can give.And whatever has happened,it happened already.If you're still Martin and carring the family name,show me.My time will come soon and i'm not here with you forever.Maybe tomoro i will be gone.Right now,me,family and future in-law IF im around to see your wedding,is looking and waiting for that word success to come out from you.Im sure Jenn would want that to happen too.Me,as long as youre happy and successful,im happy too."

During this time,i felt so useless for whatever has happened.I didn't want that to happen,but it still happened at the end,all because,i was ignorant.But i had the courage after opening up to my mom.And it ment a lot to me what she said above.Our blog here specified,everyone deserves a second chance,but for me,its already more than that.But yet,im still here with a chance.A chance to grow up.A chance to do something about my life now.I have my family here with me,i have Jenn with me,and thats all i need.Friends come and go,but right now i have Purple Monkey Dishwasher Team with me.And we've been stickin our butts together for sometime already,and its all good.Friends would even backstab you and gain what they can from you.True friends are hard to find this days,co'z even the best friends you have,they would be the ones to take you down anytime if they want to.

Sometimes in this life,you just can't pretend,you just can't hide from reality.And being tempered mental before this,i end up hurting myself physically and mentally.For a moment during that dark period of time,i thought i was going insane.I started hearing voices,i started talkin to myself.Luckily,its all over.Now,the only thing i want to do now,is not carry on where i stopped.But jump start and be further than before.After what has happened,i don deserve to be forgiven,but instead to make things better from this phase onwards.Right now,i just can't even hide anymore.Coz i consider about the consequences each time i get into a situation.As those of you who are reading this,don't even fall into the same situation as me.

And for the first time,i could call home and really chat with my mom like close friends.ANd even my bro has not been talkin to me heart to heart,has now opened up to me as well.Even my love Jenn,yea we do argue once a while.But sometimes it just cant be avoided.This paragraph here is what im adding to this post before publishing,my life now is just simply great and im happy with this current position.

Jenn,too many times i have hurt her again and again.Today,i went for doc and im diagnosed with urinal infection.Its like a punishment to me,yea,chances of me loosing my sperm count is coming,but it happened already,and the only thing i can do now is just be strong and be who i am.Small matter to me.Even in this situation,my mom and jenn were so worried and really cared for me.Im just so happy to be who i am now.
Here is me in my honest and i love you baby.

I do not care what others say or said,but whats said is said and what done is done.Right now,with mom,and everyone in family,this is all i have along with you.Life is good now,with everyone around,along with you.

Im not asking for forgiveness,but im asking for your eyes to open wide,as wide as that time where we first met,three times as big as Lucky's(my dog) eyes biler nampak nasi,those big cute goldfish eye of yours..

As i'm publishing this now,guess what i'm listening?John Legend baby,i'm startin to addict into it.Better beleive it!But currently the song that is playing now as you're reading this,Its i love you till the end by the progues.Set it there so that as u are reading now,ir brings u my love.It ment every word i would like to share with you.And i will,love you till the end.

Sweetdreams miamour.

I miss you.

P.S. I Love You